Thursday, February 26, 2009

A View Of If It Don't Fit, Don't Force It

When I was 16, I was dating my first serious boyfriend. I'll call him "Stanley." One day, when I had a half day of school and his school was off for the day, I skipped school to spend the day with him at his house. We were going to have sex for the first time. Now Stanley and I were both virgins, plus, he was afraid of one of his parents coming home early from work, so awkward moment potential was pretty high.

First, Stanley chickened out on using the condoms his dad kept in the house ("Boy, if you gon' have sex, you better protect yourself 'cause your mama and I don't want no grandbabies!") because if he did, his dad would know something happened because two would be missing. (Oh yeah, he planned on wearing two condoms at once "to be extra safe." It was going to be a "one and done" sort of day.) Instead, we fooled around a bit. Then he decided he wanted to (as he put it) "have a taste." This would be a first for me and the way he said it, so confident (for a 16 year old virgin), I figured he knew what he was doing.

He worked his way to where he needed to be, and...

Remember that Tootsie Pop commercial? One! Two! Three! I scarcely felt a thing except a sudden whoosh of air as he suddenly stood bolt upright with a panicked look on his face, wiped his mouth as though he'd ingested the most toxic, bitter substance on Earth, and ran to the bathroom where he proceeded to wash his face and brush his teeth for almost 10 minutes. The entire time, he was muttering about how he thought he heard someone come in (he heard the mailman drop a letter through the mail slot), and he was afraid that "they might smell you on me."

I felt like a freak in the bedroom - and not in the good way.

The most vivid thing for me about the entire experience was that the old "Batman" movie was playing on his bedroom TV the entire time. I can never hear that damn theme music without thinking of Stanley fleeing for the bathroom, frantically gargling or, as he drove me home, breathing in my face asking, "Can you smell anything? I mean can you smell, you know, you?" It was like a pornographic "out damned spot" soliloquy.

We broke up after about a month of very chaste dates later. It was hard to be romantic with a guy who was so freaked out by my lady parts.

It's been years since I've heard from Stanley, but I couldn't help but think of him after I read a post on one of my favorite websites, The Frisky today. These eight stories of sex gone wrong made my experience seem very quaint. My favorite was #4. Haven't baked goods suffered enough?


Or our naughty bits? A Saginaw County man pled no contest in court today to charges related to his performing a sex act on himself with a vacuum cleaner. At a car wash. Don't even get me started on the nurses in Wisconsin who are facing federal charges for taking pictures of an x-ray from a patient in their hospital seeking the removal of a "sexual device" lodged in his rectum with their cell phones and circulating them for their entertainment. One of the nurses even posted the pictures on her Facebook page. The nurses were fired for being such insensitive screw ups.



More later, because I've skeeved myself out with this post.

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