Wednesday, February 04, 2009

A View of Spinning Wheels

I could not get any traction this morning. As hard as I tried, I couldn't go forward or back. I just could not move.

This was happening, of course, at the worst possible time. I was running late. The alarm clock went off several times this morning, but I just could not move and kept hitting the snooze alarm. Last night I had company. I tried to spark up a romantic moment, but something along the way triggered memories of my recent divorce. I ended up in tears, frustrated that after almost a year I still can't go forward and am unable to go back. This morning, my friend tried to turn on my computer as I was getting dressed for work but was unable to get it started. The computer crashed, unable to start and the fix would not let me shut it off. I sent him outside to start the car in a manner that, he observed, was aimed at keeping him busy somewhere else. By the time I got to my car, I was so frazzled and angry I could barely see straight.

Then I ended up spinning my wheels. If I hadn't been so uptight, it would've been funny.

It took a little time, but with the help of my friend and my sister's boyfriend and some work on my part, I got out of the rut and everyone was on their way.

Last night, all I could think about was how I'm still spinning my wheels after the end of my marriage. My friend noted that I must have really loved my ex for the whole situation to still be upsetting me. That's true to a point. The thing that bothers me the most was that I gave myself over to someone and got betrayed in such a complete way. When I married, I was hoping that I'd found a partner with whom I could move forward. We'd work together toward a promising life ahead of us. Instead, I got pulled back into another round of drama and hurt.

I'm trying to get out of my rut, but right now I just feel like I'm not gaining any traction. As hard as I try to move forward, I'm unable to move. If I weren't so upset about it all, it would be funny.

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