A View of Appearances

Chantay Savage - I Will Survive


The day seemed picture perfect.

I was out on the water, taking in the sun and enjoying the view of the lake and all the posh homes along the lakefront from a pontoon boat. Invited to an appreciation luncheon with other assistants, it was a rare midday treat. A chance to kick back, relax, enjoy a tasty beverage, and have fun with some of my colleagues from work.

And it was nice. The sky was as blue as the water, bright and clear - as though it had been painted. Looking out on the water, the rays of the sun almost looked like diamonds bouncing off the soft waves. Lily pads dotted the surface of the water, and tall pond grass swayed softly in the light breeze. There we sat, about 20 of us, enjoying the warmth of the sun, and the camraderie of the day. All manner of people were along the shore - grilling burgers and corn, taking a quick swim, sitting on chaise lounges to catch some rays, working on their homes, or watching a boat load of laughing women sipping from plastic disposable cups watch them. Almost on cue, a swan glided across the water, its feathers so white it was almost invisible in the light of the sun.

"The turtles eat them, you know. We've got snapping turtles in the lake, and they just pop up and pull the swans under the water and eat them. It's sad sometimes, watching a mama look for her babies and they've just been pulled under."

The woman driving the boat said this matter of factly, catching all of us off guard. A flurry of "No way!" and "You're kidding!" rushed from our mouths like a quick gust of air. A couple of us looked down at the water, as though we expected a turtle to leap out of the lake and pull one of us in as easily as our captain said one grabs a swan. How can something that seemed so benign and harmless be suddenly so threatening?

Just goes to show that appearances can be deceiving.

Much like our hostess, the captain of the pontoon boat who seemed so happy and together as she greeted her guests. Every year, the group of us gets together for an appreciation lunch thrown by our bosses. This year, the hostess offered her home on the lakeshore as an ideal location. A tent was erected on the backyard lawn next to her tiki bar. A buffet lunch was set up in the garage that was so organized and clean, it seemed as though it had never held a car. Her home was beautifully appointed - floor to ceiling windows that provided a view of the lake made for a magazine spread, perfectly coordinated furnishings, decorations lovingly selected to highlight and enhance the newly renovated home. A photo album dedicated to chronicling the work done to transform the house from a timeworn one story ranch to a three story modern showplace sat on the granite island in the kitchen. It seemed perfect - a reflection of a couple's love, hard work, and dedication to each other.

Appearances can be deceiving. Our hostess showed us the photo album and took us on a tour of the house fighting back tears the entire time.

"I thought we were building a life together," she said, choking up. "I don't understand how all of this happened. I don't know how much longer I'll be here."

Her story came out in unexpected quick bursts during lunch as the guests arrived. If you asked her for a drink, to use the restroom, or the name of the caterer, you were as likely to get the expected answer ("Sure, the tiki bar is to the right...just go up the stairs and it's the first door on the left...you know, I can't remember, let me get you a card...."), as you were a sudden rushed confessional:

"I'dlovetotellyoubutIjustcaughtmyhusbandsleepingwithanothermanand
Ithrewhimouthow'boutadrink'causetodayisallabouthavingfun," followed by a self conscious laugh and an abrupt change of subject to the weather or the week at work. The life she'd been building with her husband had been snapped up and pulled under with the discovery of his infidelity and deception. He'd been cheating on her with other men and women the entire time they'd been together. When caught, he offered no apology, no explanation, nothing. What seemed like the perfect relationship had all been a lie.

Appearances can be deceiving.

Just like that, a lunch that usually about the usual conversations - demanding bosses, challenging workloads, the upcoming busy season, and promises to keep in touch - turned into fellowship and sisterhood. We shared our stories about relationships gone wrong, how we healed, said it was okay to cry, and really got to know each other. We offered names of lawyers ("Girl, he helped me out and I know he'll help you...."), books to read, invitations to girl's night out whenever she needed, shoulders to cry on, whatever she needed to get through, get by, get past the hurt and shock. Our hostess was grateful and seemed surprised by the support she received. The end of her marriage is still new - the confrontation she shared in a sudden stream of consciousness confession had only taken place a couple of months earlier - but we were all old friends, willing to talk when she couldn't, listen when she could, hug and laugh to make the pain go away.

As we sat on that boat, floating through the water, I looked at the homes and families along the shore. It all looked so picture perfect, houses that anyone would covet, parents and children playing in the yards, boats in slips ready for a sail, swans swimming past proudly displaying their grace and beauty. I looked at my hostess, trying her best to stay cheerful as she pointed out homes, telling the stories of her neighbors and the lakeshore. She was smiling, punctuating her stories with a quick laugh or an off the cuff joke.

Appearances can be deceiving though, because every once in a while she'd quickly wipe away a tear or her voice would crack just a little - her heartbreak peeking through ever so slightly, like one of those unseen turtles in the lake taking a quick peek out of its shell to grab the little bit of happiness she occasionally set free.

More later, but not before I say to my friend that this hurt will pass and everything will work out. Stay strong, hang on, don't let this hurt steal your joy. You will survive.

A View of a Buncha Rules

Check out "Watch Your Head," drawn by Cory Thomas - it's one of my favorites.

Click on the comic for an intro to the cast of characters.

I've been trying to date again. Emphasis on trying. So far, it's been a bit of a comedy of errors. One guy seemed like he was into me, but it turned out that he was trying recruit me into some direct selling scheme. Another guy, with whom I connected through an online dating site, was great on e-mail and downright creepy over the phone. I've got profiles up on two online dating sites. Many have looked at it, but few have replied.

Perhaps it's because I have some ground rules. In my profile, I say a potential match should have a kind heart, a good sense of humor, an open mind, be intelligent, not be an ESPN junkie, and most important of all have a strong sense of honest. When I choose my ideal date's attributes, I say that the man should not smoke, not be in a current relationship or be "separated" (either you're married or you're not), and that I'm currently looking to date - not remarry. I didn't think I was asking for too much, but it seems I'm one of those females with a buncha rules.

I'm not happy with my dating life right now, but I'm not going to change what I want just to get a man. What will be will be. Until I meet the right person, I have my work, my family, my pets, and my volunteering - more than enough to keep me occupied and fulfilled.

Still, every once in a while when I'm home alone, I wonder about the rules I've set for myself, and the ones we set for ourselves. I wonder about the rules we set for relationships, for sexuality, for roles women and men play in our society. Take for example the rule that women need to preserve their sexuality, or that young women in particular should preserve their virginity lest they be labeled promiscuous or "slutty." I never understood the line of thinking that encourages males to have many partners and explore their sexuality because "boys will be boys," but castigates women if they do the same thing. Is the mindset that "good girls don't" healthy? And if "good girls don't," then why do we make sexual promiscuity so glamorous? Think about the images our celebrities - especially female celebrities - project. Look at a Beyonce or Ciara video, watch a show like "Dollhouse" (where a woman's memory is wiped so she can be made into "anything you want her to be"), thumb through any magazine and look at the advertisements. The conflict between being a "good girl" and being sexual (which is the equivalent of attractive in these ads) is a constant tug of war.

Jessica Valenti explores this dissonance in her book, "The Purity Myth." Valenti, founder and executive director of Feministing.com and author of "Full Frontal Feminism," believes that we are too harsh on women who are sexual and challenges the "lie of virginity." In the introduction of her book, she states that "(i)t's time to teach our daughters that their ability to be good people depends on being good people, not whether they're sexually active." She explores the current trend of purity balls (did you know that some of them are federally funded?), the pros and cons of abstinence only education, and how the sexual double standard is harming our young women.

I also thought about whether I'm being picky as a knee jerk reaction to the way my marriage ended. One night, I remember thinking that perhaps my ex cheated because I may have asked for it. Was I too rigid? Not good enough in bed? Too controlling? Not controlling enough? I fell asleep before I could let that line of self-doubt and self-pity run out of control. Still, if I'm feeling lonely enough, the question does creep into the back of my mind: Does a woman ever deserve to be cheated on?

Fortunately, there's a bigger and more sensible voice in the back of my head that answers that question with a confident and loud, "FUCK NO!" It is, however, a question that's come to the forefront lately because of the tempest in a teapot that is what I like to call "Jon & Kate Plus 8 Gate." Long story short: Boy meets girl, boy marries girl, boy and girl have kids, girl wants more, boy goes along, boy and girl have a litter, boy and girl exploit their brood via reality TV, girl turns into diva, boy slinks out in the middle of the night with younger girl.

There's a lot more to this story than the snarky thumbnail I've written, but this is the gist of the story. The ugly part of this story is not the allegations of infidelity (though, if true, is pretty ugly), but the scuttlebutt out on the blogosphere that Kate Gosselin deserved to be cheated on by her husband Jon because of the way she treated him on camera. The idea that a spouse or partner deserves or earns mistreatment because of one's behavior is reprehensible to me. If there's a problem in a relationship, then you talk it out. Go to counseling. Try to find the root cause of the problem and work it out. Or leave the relationship - no matter how painful that initial breakup may be. Seeking comfort outside of the relationship, establishing another relationship on the side, well that's just cowardly. Kids runaway and hide from problems. Grown-ups deal with them and work them out. I can understand the temptation to say that, if someone is not being kind or respectful to his or her partner, they deserve the hurt that infidelity brings. Two wrongs, however, don't make a right. Bad behavior needs to be identified and corrected on all sides.

I do hope Jon and Kate are able to work out their problems, especially for the sake of their children. I also hope they work on this off camera and in private. I hope that, if Jon is having an affair, he makes a choice - either end it and return to his family, or choose the other woman and be as amicable as possible during the divorce. I also hope that Kate learns to work on whatever issues she may have to improve herself and her relationship. I say may have because most of what the public sees is on a highly edited "reality" TV show produced for maximum impact, ratings and entertainment value. The only people who know what is really happening are Jon, Kate, and the other woman. If they do divorce, I hope Kate will be as amicable as possible during the process. Their children deserve a domestic situation with as much mutual respect, love and maturity between the adults as possible to ensure their mental health and emotional stability.

Man that's a buncha rules, isn't it? More later, after I try to set up another online date for myself.

A View of Love is a Battlefield

I wonder if the justices on the California Supreme Court, who are hearing arguments regarding an appeal of Proposition 8 which banned gay marriage, are fans of "The Bachelor."

If they are, then they have to be aware of the raging controversy about Jason Mesnick's decision to dump one love match for another. On national TV. Maybe it was about love, maybe it was about ratings, maybe the two concepts were (ahem) married - albeit unhappily - in his mind and he was just confused. ABC, the network that airs the show, also feel a bit used and rejected because they swear they weren't in on or influenced his decision.

Whatever the case, he's now made his choice and is now free to live happily ever after with his new love. (For the record, happily ever after for the average "Bachelor" is less than a year.)


Love is a battlefield. If the justices on the California Supreme Court didn't know that before, then should know it now if they watched "The Bachelor" at all this week. I'm betting the roughly 1,000 people who protested in front of the San Francisco Civic Center Plaza, some who showed up as early as 5:00 a.m. , know this. I'm betting the dozens who lined up outside of the California Supreme Court building this morning to get a seat in chambers to hear the court challenge to Proposition 8 know this. I'm sure La Kia Hammond, and her former partner, who had to fight for the right to divorce all the way to New Jersey's Superior Court, and the other woman Ms. Hammond now wants to marry knows this.

If we can tolerate and accept a show that turns the concept of love and marriage into a game show; if we can view a man - with a child in tow (interesting how nobody's talking about the impact of all this on his son) - can use network television to humiliate one woman in the name of love for another; if we can encourage the humiliated woman to turn around and go on another TV show and repeat the process; and if we can accept the concept of a show with a disastrous record of matchmaking as the current standard of love, marriage, and happily ever after; then why can't we accept the fact that couples who are willing to fight as hard and as long as they can for love deserve the right to marry? What those couples do in their bedrooms is a moot point. Whether or not those relationships last is a moot point - especially in the light of the tempest in a teapot that is "The Bachelor."

Love is a battlefield. To deny a chance at a legally sanctioned happily ever after to a group of people because we don't like what they do is the equivalent of a fixed fight - and that's unfair. I hope the justices on California's Supreme Court watched the people fighting for their civil rights and do the right thing, rather than watch a fixed fight on a reality TV show.

More later, and let's keep fighting the good fight.

A View of Try, Try Again

I married twice and divorced twice. It's nothing that I'm proud of, but it is what it is. I also know that it's an experience I have no desire to go through again. Emotionally drain me once, shame on you. Emotionally drain me twice, shame on me.

At least I think that's how that saying goes.

Anyway, I came across a story about a woman who has a different viewpoint on marriage. Linda Lou Wolfe first married in 1957 when she was 16 years old. Her husband was 31 years old. They stayed married for seven years. She picked herself up after her divorce, dusted herself off, and started all over again.

Twenty-two more times.

That's not a typo. The former Linda Lou Taylor has been married 23 times, making her the most married woman in history. Her first marriage lasted the longest. Her shortest marriage lasted 36 hours. Her last marriage was a publicity stunt. She married Glynn "Scotty" Wolfe in 1996. He was the the most married man in the world at the time. She was his 29th bride. Their marriage lasted just under a year. They didn't divorce, though. He died a few days before their anniversary.

She's been married to a convict, a preacher, homeless men (yes, men - plural), you name it. She's been abused by one husband and cheated on and deserted by others. She says she doesn't even remember the order of her marriages. Still she says she wouldn't hesitate to marry again "because, you know, (life) gets lonely."

I understand being lonely, but after a while I'd think it's easier to just get a cat (or three) and a hobby. Reading about her made me a bit curious about marriages. Are there any couples out there who not only stay together, but are willing to marry each other again if given the chance?

Turns out there's one couple who love each other so much, they've remarried each other 83 times. Lauren and David Blair have renewed their vows all over the world. Their last renewal was in 2004 in Las Vegas. "We love telling each other we love each other and looking into each other's eyes and saying our vows," David is quoted as saying.

Something about all that love makes my tummy hurt. Still, I give them credit for wanting to be together as much as they seem to. I came across a story about how some divorced couples have no other choice in the current economic climate but stay together. They don't like it, but they make it work.

Talk about life getting lonely. Somehow they persevere. If at first you don't succeed in getting by, try, try again I suppose.

More later after being thankful for three cats, my sanity, and not having to live like the Roses.

A View of Spinning Wheels

I could not get any traction this morning. As hard as I tried, I couldn't go forward or back. I just could not move.

This was happening, of course, at the worst possible time. I was running late. The alarm clock went off several times this morning, but I just could not move and kept hitting the snooze alarm. Last night I had company. I tried to spark up a romantic moment, but something along the way triggered memories of my recent divorce. I ended up in tears, frustrated that after almost a year I still can't go forward and am unable to go back. This morning, my friend tried to turn on my computer as I was getting dressed for work but was unable to get it started. The computer crashed, unable to start and the fix would not let me shut it off. I sent him outside to start the car in a manner that, he observed, was aimed at keeping him busy somewhere else. By the time I got to my car, I was so frazzled and angry I could barely see straight.

Then I ended up spinning my wheels. If I hadn't been so uptight, it would've been funny.

It took a little time, but with the help of my friend and my sister's boyfriend and some work on my part, I got out of the rut and everyone was on their way.

Last night, all I could think about was how I'm still spinning my wheels after the end of my marriage. My friend noted that I must have really loved my ex for the whole situation to still be upsetting me. That's true to a point. The thing that bothers me the most was that I gave myself over to someone and got betrayed in such a complete way. When I married, I was hoping that I'd found a partner with whom I could move forward. We'd work together toward a promising life ahead of us. Instead, I got pulled back into another round of drama and hurt.

I'm trying to get out of my rut, but right now I just feel like I'm not gaining any traction. As hard as I try to move forward, I'm unable to move. If I weren't so upset about it all, it would be funny.