A View of the Lie Told and the Aftermath

I've been thinking about lies lately, and the ways we try to extricate ourselves from problems lies leave behind.

It all started when, in an attempt to get away from the wall to wall coverage of Michael Jackson's death, I clicked onto The Frisky, one of my favorite guilty pleasure websites. There I found a very interesting post that posed a provocative question: What's the correct answer when asked how many sexual partners have you had? Amelia McDonnell-Parry, author of the post outlined seven sex partners that don't have to count. "It's not...lying per se; it's just that a few...partners just don't register on the same scale," she said, and thus don't have to count in a person's tally. For example, a partner doesn't have to count if the sex lasts 10 seconds or less and no one finished. It doesn't have to count if the sex was forced or if "you're less than 51% sure that penetration actually occurred." I could list more, but that would take away from the fun of clicking on the link and reading the piece - or creating your own reason why a partner shouldn't count. It was an interesting article that made me laugh and think about the ways we lie to others and ourselves.

And no, it didn't make me rethink my number. It also won't make me tell you that number either, so don't bother asking. Anyway, Catherine Strawn posted a companion piece about the five "I Love You's" that don't have to count, like if you were lonely or very drunk. I read this a few days later, after the news about the death of Steve McNair broke. McNair is the former NFL quarterback who was shot and killed by his girlfriend Sahel Kazemi in her Nashville residence - provided to her by McNair. A few days earlier, Ms. Kazemi and Mr. McNair were stopped on suspicion of DWI. She was driving a car purchased by Mr. McNair. She was charged, he was released. They'd been dating for several months, and she told friends & family that Mr. McNair was planning to divorce his wife to marry her.

This wasn't true. There was no divorce filing. His wife and four sons did not know about the relationship he had with Ms. Kazemi. In fact, Ms. Kazemi was becoming distraught because of the DWI arrest, growing financial issues, and because she began to suspect that Mr. McNair was cheating on her with another woman. As a reaction to this, she purchased a gun, shot Mr. McNair as he slept, then killed herself.

She was only 20 years old. He was only 36 years old. This was a case where lies, the ones told to others and the lies one chooses to believe, ended in the worst way possible. Two families are now trying to figure out why. Why was there a need to step outside of a seemingly happy marriage? Why did this young woman think the only way to resolve the issues facing her was to kill her lover? Kill herself? Why did any of this have to happen? Why couldn't it be stopped? Here lies the other tragedy in this story: They may never get all the answers they need to heal and move on. This one hit close to home for me because I understand the pain both families are feeling. I've experienced the hurt and betrayal felt upon the discovery of an unfaithful spouse, and I know the pain of never getting all the answers one craves upon learning of the suicide of a loved one. I can only hope both families have the strength to heal as best they can, and not give in to the temptation to lash out at each other as they cope with their hurt and grief. It's not going to be easy, especially given how public this story is right now.

Lies are never fully understandable. Sorting out the logic and the rationalizations behind them can be a futile exercise in circular logic that would confound M.C. Escher. Most of the time, the smoke and mirrors behind the lies are created in order to distract from the truth and throw those who dare question the liar off track. Say what you will about Monica Conyers, but she is a twisted master of the bait and switch. So desperate is she to make people forget that she took bribes in exchange for her vote in the Synagro scandal (she pleaded guilty in Federal court to conspiracy to commit bribery - a felony offense - and was forced to resign her City Council post), so desperate is she to escape inevitable jail time, and so desperate is she to cling to whatever power she can grab, that she's willing to make a complete spectacle of herself on TV.

She's decided to keep her public access level parody of "A Face in the Crowd," called "Ask The Councilwoman" on the air - even though she's no longer on City Council. She's also decided to play "Monica Conyers: Cub Reporter" by threatening to expose the drunk driving record of a reporter who questioned her as she reported to the set of her show this week. You have to click on this link and watch the video to see just how bizarre it gets.

Here's where lying and the web it creates gets even more tangled. In the clip, she accuses Scott Lewis, a reporter for Fox 2 News of having a drunken driving conviction on his record. This led to some haughty, "I've done no wrong" posturing by the reporter. At this point, the story he files turns from news reporting to almost "Network" style bombast. The report would've carried a bit more relevance had the station been brave enough to point out that Ms. Conyers got Mr. Lewis confused with another Fox 2 reporter, Andrea Isom, who was arrested back in 2006 for drunk driving. I found an excerpt of a newspaper report that ran in the Detroit Free Press, but could not find a link. Here's the story:

Channel 2 reporter Isom in DUI incident

By JOHN SMYNTEK FREE PRESS STAFF WRITER

November 21, 2006

WJBK-TV (Fox, Channel 2) news reporter Andrea Isom was in hot water Tuesday morning after having been stopped by Michigan State Police on a Detroit stretch of the Southfield Freeway allegedly driving the wrong way Monday night. She reportedly blew a .18 in a roadside sobriety test; the Michigan standard for driving under the influence is .08. Channel 2 GM Jeff Murri said he could not comment on Isom’s situation, citing company personnel policy. Isom did not immediately respond to a phone message. Isom began working at WJBK in April 2004. She previous toiled for stations in Kansas City, Dayton, Ohio, and Elmira, N.Y. She is a Cleveland native and an Ohio State University grad, according to her station biography.

The omission of this fact is a bit of a distortion of the truth, though it could rightfully be argued had nothing to do with Ms. Conyers or her behavior. It could rightfully be argued that the reporter's records have nothing to do with Ms. Conyers criminal behavior, it's impact on the city now and in the future. It could even rightfully be argued that Ms. Conyers continued disregard for her actions, her disrespect for her constituents, and her constant antagonizing attitude is proof of her unrepentance, requiring the maximum amount of punishment allowed when she's sentenced.

Still, the fact was omitted, and that added a bit of a taint to Mr. Lewis's piece. But that's the trouble with lies. The things we say to get out of trouble can sometimes lead to more trouble. The things we don't say in an attempt not to hurt someone's feelings can come back to haunt us in ways we can't imagine. Let your conscience be your guide, but always do the right thing.

More later, but first a shout out to my new friend at Dyspathy - thanks for adding me to your links. It's quite the honor. VFTT readers, be sure to check out his site daily. You'll love every minute of it, and you might learn something too.

A View Of Prevention

In November 1982, my father committed suicide.

Click on the picture for a link to a previous post about my dad's death.

The exact date is a mystery, but it's believed it would've been the beginning of the month. He was found about three weeks after he died in the Detroit River behind Cobo Hall. My family was notified by the police the day after Thanksgiving. In one form or another, we've been mourning his death ever since.

The exact reason he decided to take his life is also a mystery. We don't know why he chose to take his life the way he did. We don't know what drove him to suicide. He didn't leave behind a note. He said goodbye to his friends and family in his own way, with visits and calls just before he disappeared but nothing set off any alarms or made anyone think that he was considering such a drastic act.

All we know is that he decided life was no longer worth living and that he took his life. What we don't know about what he did and why he did it has taken on a life of his own.

I can't speak for my family, but I can tell you that not a day goes by when that November in 1982 doesn't cross my mind in one form or another. I wonder what he would be like now - what my family's life would've been like had he not committed suicide. I wonder what sort of pain must he have felt - and why he decided the only way to ease that pain was to end his life. I wonder how come he felt he couldn't talk to someone about what was bothering him - then I wonder if he did and just picked the wrong person or couldn't find the relief he needed.

Those questions came to mind today as I read two articles about suicide and the impact it has on people. The first was a tragedy on many levels. It was about the families of David and Rose Cobb. On December 26, 2007, Rose was murdered in the parking lot of a local drugstore in a brutal fashion - shot in the head four times by a lone gunman. Evidence seemed to indicate that her husband David had her killed because she was contemplating divorce. She believed he was having an affair. There had also been accusations of him soliciting sex from a minor - accusations that led to a trial, where he was acquitted. Still, it was enough for Rose to wonder if was hiding any other things from her.

David denied having sex with the girl who brought the charges of solicitation, denied having an affair with any woman, and denied having anything to do with his wife's death. The Wayne County Prosecutor also declined to bring charges against him for his wife's murder. Despite all of this, there were still accusations, evidence that seemed to indicate he was involved with the shooting according to the Detroit Police, and rumblings that a plea deal was being negotiated that would've led to charges being filed against him.

On September 26th, David Cobb drove to a park in Sterling Heights and hung himself. Like my father, the report said he went to visit family and friends before he took his life and now they realize it was his way of saying goodbye. Unlike my father, he did leave letters to his family that gave some insight as to why he took his life. According to David's father, he didn't feel like life would be worth living without Rose. The letters, however, seemed to do little to ease the pain that the families of David and Rose Cobb are feeling. Her family sees his suicide as an admission of guilt, and are angry that they had no part in any of Rose's funeral plans. His family believes he never would've been charged in her death, and believe he was consumed by the loss of his wife.

Whatever may have happened, nobody will have any definitive answers because both David and Rose are gone. Their families are left behind with hurt, confusion, and an endless list of unanswered questions. They also do not seem to be eager to reach out to each other to try and heal their pain, to try and answer the questions that they'll think about in one form or another everyday for the rest of their lives. I can understand their pain, their need to know why. I can also understand how frustrating it must be for them to know they will never get all the answers they need about what happened to David and Rose, or why it happened.

I can only hope they try to work out the complicated mass of feelings the deaths of their loved ones have left on their lives. I hope they realize that what happened to them is not their fault, and they don't give in to the temptation to let the anger, mourning, and helplessness they feel consume them. One tiny bit of good that came from my father's suicide was learning the importance of talking, especially about talking about the dark and ugly things many people don't want to talk about. Expressing one's feelings, one's fears, one's weaknesses can only help make a person stronger in the long run because talking about the dark, the ugly, or the scary sets those toxic feelings free. Holding in the negative is like trying to keep acid in a paper bag. We can't be afraid to talk or to reach out for help.

Another article I read today seems to indicate this isn't happening. According to a study by the American Journal of Preventative Medicine, the suicide rate in the United States has been increasing since 1999. The largest increase appears to be among middle aged adults between the ages of 40 and 64. The rate for this age group rose almost 16% between 1999 and 2005. The scariest part of this increase is not that it's happening, is that the cause of the increase is unclear. According to experts quoted in the article, it could be because of an increase in the abuse of prescription pain pills, more stress in people's lives, it could be anxiety that's heightened in our post 9/11 environment - no one knows for sure.

All the authors of the study know for sure is that the leading cause of suicide is untreated depression. Depression is one of the easiest mental illnesses to treat - according to the All About Depression website, up to 80-90% of persons who seek treatment for depression can feel better within a few weeks. Depression may feel like a tidal wave when it hits, but if treated, it can be nothing more than a tiny puddle.

I've had my own battles with depression - click the picture for a previous post.

Suicide, however, is like a tsunami and just as devastating to those left behind in its wake. Knowing that many of its victims could be saved simply by seeking someone to talk to makes the impact even more corrosive. It doesn't have to be this way. If you click this link, you'll see the warning signs to look for in a person who may be comtemplating suicide. This link will take you to a depression screening test to see if you or a loved one may need help.

Don't be afraid to talk about depression or suicide. I can't tell you how many times people have told me that it's wrong or inappropriate to talk openly about my father's suicide. I can't tell you how many times I've responded by saying that the only thing inappropriate about talking about it was that the talk came too late to save him, or that the only thing wrong about talking about it is that keeping silent keeps in the shame and the hurt and that prevents healing. Not talking allows fear and shame to grow. Talking banishes the fear and shame, and clears the way for one to move on.

David Cobb committed suicide - possibly to escape some horrible truths in his life, possibly because he was so consumed by grief he couldn't figure out how to keep living. My father committed suicide for reasons my family and I can speculate but will never fully know. Whatever the case, their deaths - just like the deaths of suicide victims everywhere - were an unnecessary and avoidable waste of life. If reading this post impacts one person, leads to one person seeing a warning sign in themselves or a loved one, then perhaps some good can come from their losses.

More later. Go talk to someone now.