Monday, March 13, 2006

No Time Like The Present

I've been toying with the idea of writing a blog for at least two years. A recent turn in my personal life finally made me take the plunge and start posting. I was in a long term relationship, and it's recently come to an end. It made me think about my life - what I want, what I've had, what I would change if I could go back in time, and what I would keep the same.

One of the discussions I had about the end of my LTR touched on reaching 40 and dealing with any related regrets, like the possibility of being alone. The main point was that sometimes we learn our lessons too late and find ourselves at age whatever (40 in this hypothetical case) mourning what we let slip away.

Here's part of my reply:

"Isn't that what life is about though - learning, hard or easy? One big thing I've learned over time is that there are worse things than waking up 40 and finding oneself single and not finding Mr. or Ms. Right For Me. What about waking up at 40, turning over and being consumed by resentment and disappointment for Mr. or Mrs. This Is Who I Ended Up With, but continuing on anyway because what else is there to do? Or waking oup at 40 and finding out that Mr. or Mrs. Love of My Life has done something so hurtful to you that it crushes you to your very soul? Or not waking up at 40?

"I'm not worried about or afraid of being alone. If I were, I'd still be seeing (my ex-boyfriend) and seething (inside) over how wrong (the relationship had become), or I would've never divorced my ex-husband - wrong life partner, but excellent teacher of the lessons listed above. There are so many times in our lives when we are totally alone, even we are surrounded by the requisite friends and loved ones we all feel we need to meet our daily requirement of, 'Yep, I'm just as normal as everyone else.' What I do worry about, what scares me to death, is settling for someone who isn't right, but is just okay. Settling for someone because I don't like the way the floorboards creak at night when the lights are out in the house. Settling for someone because it's past time to give your family the requisite number of grandchildren required to keep up with those damned Joneses - even though you aren't sure marriage and children aren't for you. Settling for a life and, to quote David Byrne, asking yourself, 'Well how did I get here?' "

This exchange made me realize that when my life ends, I would like my list of accomplishments to be longer than my list of regrets. Saying I wanted to blog and not doing it would've been one of those regrets.

So here I am - thinking out loud and hopefully saying more than nothing. Fasten your safety belts.

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